


escapism

by honeyz



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Analysis, Kanaya’s Mother Complex, Minor Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Motherhood, Other, Trans Female Character, Trans Kanaya Maryam, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 14:33:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14571060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyz/pseuds/honeyz
Summary: there’s some sort of tragic irony and symbolism that comes with being shot in the stomach when you’ve spent your whole life centered around motherhood.





	escapism

the pure heartbreaking irony of being raised with the idea that your destiny is motherhood only to be shot through the gut is rich.

when the gun fired, kanaya’s thoughts were not “i’m going to die,” or “i was just trying to help,” or even “ouch.” her first thought was “my baby.”

now, logically, kanaya knew that she did not have a baby in her belly. she was not old enough, yet, and even if she was she had never DONE anything to GET that baby.

when trolls are first born, there’s this system of gender that doesn’t correlate with how the humans think. nine times out of ten, a troll is hatched, and they decide for themselves whether gender is important or not to them. if it is, they are raised as such and once they are fully grown, they can reproduce as such. if it isn’t, they only reproduce when it is absolutely necessary for them to do so. 

kanaya was a different case.

a her lusus was a mothergrub. she was raised as a woman, not because that’s what her body was growing as, but because womanhood was all she had ever known, and it was RIGHT for her.

when she was younger, her lusus allowed her to hold the grubs every once in a while, and she knew that she needed a baby. she WANTED a baby. unfortunately, she was not able to have a child due to unfortunate circumstances involving jadeblood criteria and other overcomplicated genetics that she didn’t like to think about.

and then she met rose.

at that point, it was safe to say that she knew she would not end up with a boy in the end. she had only ever had romantic feelings for one other person her entire life, and at the time vriska was not interested in any sort of relationship. 

she didn’t like rose much at first. she was very sarcastic, which was hard for her to understand. also, it was hard to tell if she was talking to the real rose or the rose that was john pretending to be slash filling in for rose. 

when they got to know each other better, kanaya got that same feeling that she used to get around vriska. a tugging in her fingers, breathlessness, a twisting feeling deep in her chest.

she pushed those feelings down, of course. surely rose couldn’t feel the same way- shouldn’t feel the same way, not with everything that was so much more important happening around them.

but then eridan shot kanaya in the gut, in her nonexistent baby, and she realized that she was going to lose nothing. how sad would that be? to have so much want, to have a destiny not yet even started to embark on, only to lose... what? potential? was that really all she had to give?

“my baby..” she thought. she didn’t have one, wouldn’t have one.

“my baby.” would rose even care if she died? would she just be another name on the sick list they were creating?

“my baby.” she wasn’t going to die.

she wasn’t.

not without living up to her lusus’ dreams. not without getting past the dumb rules that she had set for herself. not without throwing this stupid shy complex she had out the window so she could confess to rose and be happy again.

not without her baby.

it’s kind of funny, really. how fast everything happened after that. she didn’t even care when gamzee howled in pain. didn’t bat an eye when vriska fell to the ground, skinning her palms and looking back up at kanaya with restored admiration and pride.

eridan’s eyes widened when her chainsaw revved at him. she wanted to say something to him. a natural instinct in her made her hesitate for a moment. she considered wrapping him in her arms and telling him that it would be okay, that these things happened and-

that was insane.

he KILLED people. he killed his friends. he killed HER friends. poor karkat tried to revive her by kissing her “lifeless” corpse. this wasn’t a mistake. he didn’t need to be nurtured. 

a scream tore out of her throat and she lunged at him. thick, violet blood spattered on her face. she felt reckless, rebellious. 

she was going against everything she knew, but it was FINE. maybe she was destined for motherhood, but did she have to worry about that now? she could be fearless. 

her chainsaw collapsed back into her lipstick. she applied it with a newfound attitude, one that made her feel like a powerful and unstoppable. 

the cracked sunglasses that happened to fall on her face only helped the feeling.


End file.
